For some time I have been trying to understand why men give up things they like, or cherish, or enjoy. Things like boats, guns, motorcycles, pickups, hunting, and the list goes on. All at the request of a wife, or girlfriend, who doesn't care to boat, fish, hunt, golf, camp, etc*. Fine, she doesn't like to do those things, but why must the guy give them up because the babe requested (or demanded) he do so? And it seems that after he has given it up he is miserable, although it does give the rest of us access to great bargains on C List & other sites.
I simply don't get it, I don't ever remember asking the Cowman to give up something like that. Neither do I remember him asking me to do so. (And we had a fair amount of different interests.) Things like that were discussed, and if it was something you really cared about, you found a way, and you were supported by your partner. I thought that was what partners did.
I honestly don't understand, and have no idea why I'm miss'n mass to do this post...
I honestly don't understand, and have no idea why I'm miss'n mass to do this post...
I really think it's about 'control' more than anything Brighid... They want to see if they can exert enough to control to 'modify' those behaviors they didn't like before or during the marriage...
ReplyDeleteThe women enjoy doing it. It's as NFO suggests - all about power.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I'd like my man to give up is tobacco.
ReplyDeleteOLD NFO: I suppose you are right, but why would you want to control someone you really cared about? Just to see if you can... seems mighty shallow to me.
ReplyDeleteLL: What kind of woman would enjoy that, surely not one that loves you...
NELLY: That is different from a hobby or interest, and somewhat understandable from a health stand point, but still...
Brighid, at the risk of sounding snide and cynical, which I usually am not, I don't know of, nor have I heard of, one single woman who didn't do that as a matter of course. I'm sure that men (particularly wimpy gay men) do the same thing, but I have no experience with them.
ReplyDeleteI have loving daughters and they all do it with the noble goal of "improving their husbands". So it even extends to them.
LL: Fair enough, but then you don't know me, nor some of my friends it seems...
ReplyDeleteI can't extend it to people beyond my experience.
ReplyDeleteI have spent time working with many cultures and the dynamic always varies to degrees in that experience of close observation.
Some American men will say that Asian women don't do it, but Asian ladies bring their own brand of hell that makes the petty manipulation by Western women seem pale. Which is why I've made it a point to steer clear of yellowtail.
I agree that "power" plays a part. Past that I think the biggest issue I see is how folks approach marriage in the "modern era". Susie and I dated for nearly 7 years, two of which was spent overseas and one of those in a war zone. It gave us time to address all the power issues before any commitments were made. Our next anniversary will be our 43rd.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter and her husband did the same, over 6 years marrying only after both had completed their degrees. Both are strong individuals but common ground was found and it works for them, coming up on 14 years together.
That I think is the difference - with much confusion that living together allows you to get to know each other . . . it does not IMHO. Taking the time to do something as old fashioned as "courting" would resolve many of these issues.
Marriage should mean something, to each party, other than I'm in control.
LL: I do not have the depth of experience that you have, so I can only address it in context to my close friends. I was raised by a Master manipulator, and that effected my abhorrence of the practice.
ReplyDeleteEIAFTINFO: Bill, I was married to the Cowman for 42 yrs...before we parted. A lot of give'n take in that time, but it was never a power struggle, it was a great partnership, until it wasn't.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine asking someone to give up a hobby or interest. I CAN imagine asking them to stop a habit that is unhealthy for them, children, or the marriage.
ReplyDeleteAll in the vein of partnership, as you say, and with each person desiring to support each other.... that's the ideal.
I wonder if some women try to exert "control" because they wonder if they matter at all to their husbands. Sort of like testing the waters... "Would he be willing to lay that thing down for me?" But as with most manipulation, that comes out of a place of deep insecurity, and that's the real issue in the marriage, then, not the surface-level manipulations which are indeed quite shallow and destructive.
JENNY: You have said it much better than I, Thank You!
ReplyDeleteJenny, I have seen this:
ReplyDeleteExample - Would you love me if I did this? (name the outrageous and manipulative behavior)
Yes
Well, would you love me if I did this? (name your poison)
Yes
Etc. It keeps going on until the guy says "no". Then the woman laments that she is not loved.
Hubby and I do some things together and some apart. I find football boring, but let him spend 8 hours watching the games while I watch TV elsewhere or read or whatever. I think the only time a partner has justification in saying no is when the activity is not healthy or takes up too much time from the relationship.
ReplyDeleteLL, I, too, have seen a lot of ridiculous behavior in relationships.
ReplyDeleteA woman might feel unloved for less preposterous reasons, however.
Hubby has his stuff; I have mine. Still working that way for almost 50 years. Let the kids sort it out after we're gone. We won't care then!
ReplyDeleteGive up? Not bloody likely, and bless her she feels the same about her interests. What an unhappy relationship the other must be.
ReplyDeleteMy father was a controller, but thankfully with my own husband we had a true 50/50 relationship.
ReplyDeleteI do know of a family of brothers and each of their wives pulled them away from their families and friends, thus all the socialising was with the in-laws of friends of the the wives.
TABOR: LOL... ah Tabor..."let him"
ReplyDeleteCHICKENMOM: Congrats on 50 yrs! That is awesome.
ODIE: Why did I know it wouldn't apply to you & the Mrs!
GRANNYMAR: I wonder why the wives did that...
I would never do it so it is too foreign for me to understand the "whys."
ReplyDeleteAll this is well and good, but did dear old Dad get his elk in Idaho?
ReplyDeleteARKANSAS PATTI: It does not surprise me that you wouldn't do that.
ReplyDeleteLL: Nope... we are still at the mercy of the Schwan's man.
I gave up some hobbies just because it was the right thing to do. babies came along and the money got tight. The motorcycle, skydiving and other hobbies were a money sink. There is no doubt some power struggling going on now that I can afford a few hobbies. But the underlying message I am getting is not that she wants to control me, but that she wants the money I spend on my hobbies so she can spend it on her hobbies.
ReplyDeleteGENERICVIEW: Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Not about controlling just a power struggle? I hope the results are mutually beneficial.
ReplyDeleteOf course women are sent to us (men) by God to make us get our act together...
ReplyDeleteEspecially like the Golden Duck(?) photo.
LSP: I would prefer "Help" each other to get our acts together, Padre. A goose by another name, no matter.
ReplyDelete