Monday, November 9, 2015

Top Ten...

If you are going to be The woman on the ranch, here are the top 10 "facts" you need to know!  by Julie Carter

1. Always load your horse last in the trailer so it is the first one unloaded. By the time he's got his horse unloaded, you will have your cinch pulled and be mounted up ready to go - lessening the chance of him riding off without you with your horse trying to follow while you are still trying to get your foot in the stirrup.

2. Never - and I repeat never - ever believe the phrase "We'll be right back," when he has asked you to help him do something out on the ranch. The echoing words, "this will only take a little while" have filtered through generations of ranch wives and still today should invoke sincere distrust in the woman who hears them.

3. Always know there is NO romantic intention when he pleadingly asks you to take a ride in the pickup with him around the ranch while he checks water and looks at cattle. What that sweet request really means is he wants someone to open and close the gates.

4. He will always expect you to quickly be able to find one stray in a four-section brush-covered pasture, but he will never be able to find the mayonnaise jar in four-square feet of refrigerator.

5. Count every head of everything you see - cattle especially, but sometimes horses, deer, quail or whatever moves. Count it in the gate, out the gate or on the horizon. The first time you don't count is when he will have expected that you did. That blank eyelash-batting look you give him when he asks "How many?" will not be acceptable.

6. Know that you will never be able to ride a horse or drive a pickup to suit him. Given the choice of jobs, choose throwing the feed off the back of the pickup. If he is on the back and you are driving, the opportunity for constant criticism of speed, ability and your eyesight will be utilized to the full extent. "How in the *@*# could you NOT see that hole?"

7. Never let yourself be on foot in the alley when he is sorting cattle horseback. When he has shoved 20 head of running, bucking, kicking yearlings at you and then hollers "Hold 'em, hold 'em" at the top of his lungs, don't think that you really can do it without injury. Contrary to what he will lead you to believe, walking back to the house is always an option that has been used throughout time.

8. Don't expect him to correctly close the snap-on tops on the plastic refrigerator containers, but know he will expect you to always close every gate. His reasoning, the cows will get out; the food will not.

9. Always praise him when he helps in the kitchen - the very same way he does when you help with the ranch work - or not.

10. Know that when you step out of the house you move from the "wife" department to "hired hand" status. Although the word "hired" indicates there will be a paycheck that you will never see, rest assured you will have job security. The price is just right. And most of the time you will be "the best help he has" even if it is because you are the ONLY help he has.


  1. I think with a little tweaking here and there, this list would work for just about any wife.

  2. Geez, you sure do sound like my Aunt used to sound... :-D

  3. And my sister-in-law on their wheat farm. :-)

  4. That's exceptionally sound advice.

  5. ADRIENNE: It probably would.

    OLD NFO: LOL, Yes Dear!

    CELIA: Ranch & Farm wives know these things, for sure.

    LL: Good info to have.

  6. This sounds vaguely familiar for almost any project I have started with my husband, even though we do not own any four-footed critters.

  7. I don't think I'd last 10 minutes on a ranch.

    If they don't have a machine to deal with them critters, where you just push a button and it rounds 'em up, brands 'em, feeds 'em and de-louses 'em, count me out.

    Or, if pressed into service on the ranch, I would have to have a mighty handy hired hand to do all of the yucky stuff.

    Given all of the above, I suspect that I will not have to keep the cow girls off me with a stick.

  8. Excellent. I laughed my way through these. I use to tell my husband, "This is a marriage, I didn't enlist in Ron's Navy!" Sometimes he just had to bark orders as if I were one of the troops.

  9. LOL, I heard many of these same rants from Aunt Bea, but she hung around... :-D And I'm pretty sure Uncle Lynn was pretty familiar with the couch!!!

  10. Wives - particularly farm wives - have a way of keeping it all real.

  11. TABOR: Yes ma'am!

    FREDD: No worries, takes all kinds to make the world go round.

    GRANNY ANNIE: It was only cuz he loved you so much!

    OLD NFO: Never was a fan of mak'n the Cowman sleep elsewhere, Liked having him close...

    LL: and interesting, don't forget interesting! It's an adventure!

  12. The check is in the mail, Little Lady.

  13. WOODSTERMAN: I've been told that before... lol

  14. I don't think I'm berserker enough to be rancher's wife!
    Or, I don't know. Maybe I'd last a day or two, before he was pushed off the truck and I drove away to find civility.